If you’re ready for the quintessential guide for how to celebrate 3:16 Day, give me a “Hell yeah!”
In my head, wherever you are right now, at your desk at work or on the bus, I can hear you, yes you, saying, “Hell yeah!”
You know you are over when you have a holiday created celebrating you and in that regard, no one is more over in pro wrestling than WWE Hall Of Famer “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Sure, it’s excellent to main-event WWE WrestleMania but to have a whole day dedicated to you and all your awesomeness? That’s next level.
So let us all celebrate this day in the way that our pro wrestling, beer-drinking, ass-kicking, blue collar, lord and savior would want us to. I present to you your quintessential guide for how to celebrate 3:16 Day.
3:16 Day Step One: Show Up
It may seem mundane but every great 3:16 Day requires you to show up, preferably somewhere there will be a lot of people and plunder about. Great places that you could show up on 3:16 Day include your place of work, libraries, government buildings, restaurants, ice rinks, basketball arenas, and, of course, bars. If you cannot get out of your home, try setting up a 3:16 Day Zoom chat with others so that you can show up there to participate in the day.
I cannot stress enough how important showing up is to 3:16 Day. Once you have decided where it is that you are going to show up, you need to make a plan regarding how you are going to show up. The great Steve Austin never simply “showed up” anywhere. He showed up in style on things like Zambonis or four-wheelers. You need to be dramatic!
If there was ever a day to ride your motorcycle to work and do donuts in the parking lot before entering the building, 3:16 Day is the day to do that. Take a helicopter to the library. Jet ski up to the beach for a family event! DRIVE A TANK TO YOUR DIVORCE HEARING!!!
The dramatic tone you set with how you show up to wherever you are going is absolutely necessary to a successful 3:16 Day. If you are trapped at home and on a Zoom call, maybe start the call by throwing fireworks around or something like that.
Step Two: Raise Hell
Once you have shown up wherever you are, it is time to really get to work. You must raise hell, mostly within the limits of the law but the destruction of some property may be needed.
I know, you’re going to say, “but what if I am arrested?” Do you think that was an issue for Steve Austin when he was raising hell? He was arrested and hauled out of WWE arenas on countless occasions, you must not let him down on this holiest of redneck holidays.
A great way to initiate hellraising is by verbally accosting those in the room, preferably someone everyone else knows and has some level of power. For example, when you know your boss is having a really important meeting, kick in the door and tell him how arrogant he is and no one likes him. Take shots at his family, make it really personal. When others in the room object, read them like a drag queen on RuPaul.
Within moments everyone in the room should be irate and all the attention will be on you. Some are going to want to get violent and you should let them, physically you are prepared for this situation. Most fights on 3:16 Day will go like this:
- They throw a punch
- You duck
- You kick them in the stomach
- You deliver a Stone Cold stunner
Rinse and repeat for as many people are needed. Beyond the physical confrontations, be sure to flip some tables, rip art off the walls, and generally continue raising hell. If someone dropped their phone and it is still unlocked, call their mom and show them the damage you have done. Get creative!
Step Three: Drink Beer
As you look around wherever it is that you decided to show up, you should see nothing but carnage and destruction. Raising all that hell probably caused you to develop a third that can only be quenched by the only beverage on Earth that matters, beer.
Ideally, you should have someone throwing beers to you. If that can’t be arranged, make sure to bring a cooler from home filled to the brim with beers to crack open after raising hell.
While Austin appeared to imbibe mostly lagers during his heyday, he has since become a brewer himself and produces both lagers and IPAs. To that end, I don’t think Austin will mind the style of beer you drink as long as you are drinking beer. However, when choosing your beer, remember that you are going to have to drink A LOT of it. Double, or Triple, IPAs and sours might be too much to drink in large quantities but I really don’t want to limit you if you want to act like an absolute psycho.
And when I say you are going to be drinking A LOT of beer, I mean A LOOOOT of beer. As you are wrapping up raising hell you should begin your beer drinking. Drinking beer before raising hell is fine but all of these steps need to be in order in some fashion to make the day work.
As you are dropping stunners and flipping tables, the suds should begin to drip from your lips and create puddles around the room. One after another you are seamlessly cracking beers and dumping them on others. Open a few, smash them over your head and then let the nectar flow over you. You should be drinking as much as you can but it’s totally fine that it also gets everywhere, that is expected.
Step Four: Leave
If you’ve followed the steps in this guide until this point you are probably riding an adrenaline high the likes of which you have never experienced before. Wherever you showed up, raised hell, and drank beer should be in complete disarray. Those that were not laid out with Stunners are now cheering your name and have somehow created posters with messages espousing your greatness.
The police may have already escorted you out but, if not, you are going to have to find a way to leave on your own. Keep in mind, you’ve been drinking, so you don’t want to get back on your motorcycle or whatever piece of heavy machinery you showed up on or in. Your best option is to stumble out the door and into a ride share. If you luck out and your driver drives a pick-up truck, you have hit the 3:16 jackpot.
Once the clock hits midnight you can settle into a beer-induced slumber. I suggest you get that sleep too because when you awake, it will be St. Patrick’s Day, and you’re going to have to run this all back but with whiskey.